I slept through new years.
Still sick... But partying isn't exactly my thing. Neither is drinking.
My resolution this year is going to be: to balance myself
Spontaneously, I feel like writing. So here's a story.
In 2011, I was on the right track. On the way to being more centered--I was feeling good and I was accomplishing a lot (mentally and artistically). But then towards the end of the year, things got shitty... I put myself in a bad situation (the kind I didn't know exactly how to respond to)... and as a result things spiraled out of control.
In a nutshell: I lost my sense of self.
January 2012? All the mental [and spiritual] progress I had made up until that point seemingly vanished. I felt like I didn't know myself anymore--I felt as though I had betrayed my self-confidence. Depression inevitably drowned me. My health suffered. I went from 120lb to 109lbs--which made everything worse. Ill body, ill mind...
I disconnected from everything.
Eventually the episode "A Friend in Deed" aired, which isn't my favorite episode. But Pinkie Pie's song? I'm not going to lie--it reduced to me absurd, childishly hysterical tears.
"It's true... Some days are dark and lonely. And maybe you feel sad--but Pinkie will be there to show you that it isn't that bad."
So I downloaded the song. Every time my mind started to slip into those self-depreciating thoughts of self-loathing, I'd listen to it. I'd listen to it to drown-out my mind. I'd listen to it so I could focus on drawing in the studio at school. I'd listen to it on the bus to school before my day started. I set it as my alarm in the morning.
Obsessive? Perhaps. Therapeutic? Absolutely.
Slowly... I started to realize that I needed to stop sinking... So I did my best to eat better. I used my schoolwork to distract me from myself. I forced myself to start changing my outlook, because it wasn't like someone was going to do it for me.
My second dose of cartoon therapy came with the season finale of Legend of Korra. When Avatar Aang pulled an Obi-Wan and said to Korra: "When we are at our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change." Which gave me a sort of "duh" moment and inspired some resolve. Summer was full of work--continuing to distract myself.
The Everfree Con helped to restore some confidence (again, I thank all the beautiful people who visited my table--you helped me more than you know).
I find it amusing how much cartoons have helped me through my haze. Ponies and Avatars... I think it's because they [cartoons] are more symbolic (because of their simplicity) and therefore more accessible for my visually-oriented mind to identify with. Heh.
At the end of summer I wanted to take advantage of the positive mood the Con had put me in... So I took mushrooms with the intent to overload my mind and to wash clean my tangled thoughts--and to halt/reduce my self-medicating habit of distracting myself from myself.
An intense cerebral experience, as always. [Some may see this as "irresponsible", and you are free to think that.] To me, mushrooms are a cerebral tool--medicine. Personally (and mushrooms are very much a personal experience), I prefer the thoughts rather than the visuals. The visuals are beautiful and fun to look at... but self-reflection and introspection? Far more interesting (and useful) to me.
After a delirious few hours of being forced to pay attention to my own mind (with plenty of crying and cat snuggling)... I felt a lot better. Clear-headed... free. And better prepared to continue moving forward.
The remainder of 2012 was generally positive. I had some "relapses" of depression. Some new tangles. Sort of felt like "aftershocks" from the previous year's mess. But nothing extreme. I feel like I'm back on track though... to wherever it is that I am going. Which is the only place I want to be, really.
So that's why my resolution for this year is to balance myself--because that's my track.
And you know what? I'm feeling good about 2013. I hope you are too.
Peace and happy new year.