I slept through new years. Still sick... But partying isn't exactly my thing. Neither is drinking.
My resolution this year is going to be: to balance myself
Spontaneously, I feel like writing. So here's a story.
In 2011, I was on the right track. On the way to being more centered--I was feeling good and I was accomplishing a lot (mentally and artistically). But then towards the end of the year, things got shitty... I put myself in a bad situation (the kind I didn't know exactly how to respond to)... and as a result things spiraled out of control. In a nutshell: I lost my sense of self.
January 2012? All the mental [and spiritual] progress I had made up until that point seemingly vanished. I felt like I didn't know myself anymore--I felt as though I had betrayed my self-confidence. Depression inevitably drowned me. My health suffered. I went from 120lb to 109lbs--which made everything worse. Ill body, ill mind... I disconnected from everything.
Eventually the episode "A Friend in Deed" aired, which isn't my favorite episode. But Pinkie Pie's song? I'm not going to lie--it reduced to me absurd, childishly hysterical tears. "It's true... Some days are dark and lonely. And maybe you feel sad--but Pinkie will be there to show you that it isn't that bad." So I downloaded the song. Every time my mind started to slip into those self-depreciating thoughts of self-loathing, I'd listen to it. I'd listen to it to drown-out my mind. I'd listen to it so I could focus on drawing in the studio at school. I'd listen to it on the bus to school before my day started. I set it as my alarm in the morning. Obsessive? Perhaps. Therapeutic? Absolutely.
Slowly... I started to realize that I needed to stop sinking... So I did my best to eat better. I used my schoolwork to distract me from myself. I forced myself to start changing my outlook, because it wasn't like someone was going to do it for me. My second dose of cartoon therapy came with the season finale of Legend of Korra. When Avatar Aang pulled an Obi-Wan and said to Korra: "When we are at our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change." Which gave me a sort of "duh" moment and inspired some resolve. Summer was full of work--continuing to distract myself. The Everfree Con helped to restore some confidence (again, I thank all the beautiful people who visited my table--you helped me more than you know). I find it amusing how much cartoons have helped me through my haze. Ponies and Avatars... I think it's because they [cartoons] are more symbolic (because of their simplicity) and therefore more accessible for my visually-oriented mind to identify with. Heh.
At the end of summer I wanted to take advantage of the positive mood the Con had put me in... So I took mushrooms with the intent to overload my mind and to wash clean my tangled thoughts--and to halt/reduce my self-medicating habit of distracting myself from myself. An intense cerebral experience, as always. [Some may see this as "irresponsible", and you are free to think that.] To me, mushrooms are a cerebral tool--medicine. Personally (and mushrooms are very much a personal experience), I prefer the thoughts rather than the visuals. The visuals are beautiful and fun to look at... but self-reflection and introspection? Far more interesting (and useful) to me. After a delirious few hours of being forced to pay attention to my own mind (with plenty of crying and cat snuggling)... I felt a lot better. Clear-headed... free. And better prepared to continue moving forward.
The remainder of 2012 was generally positive. I had some "relapses" of depression. Some new tangles. Sort of felt like "aftershocks" from the previous year's mess. But nothing extreme. I feel like I'm back on track though... to wherever it is that I am going. Which is the only place I want to be, really.
So that's why my resolution for this year is to balance myself--because that's my track.
And you know what? I'm feeling good about 2013. I hope you are too.
If you're serious about the 'shrooms, I can't say I condone. But Avatar and My Little Pony? Couldn't think of two better shows to self-medicate with. I, myself, am all too guilty of doing it. Those are like, the best cartoons to air in ten years.
If you ever need a boost, come here to DA. You have a lot of fans that will cheer you up. On top of that, you would be surprised at the number of backgrounds that your followers come from. We can help in a variety of ways if you are facing problems in life. Remember, "A man who does not use his neighbor's strength is not using his full strength."
I know those feels - I actually teared up a little reading this journal I'm so glad you're in a positive feeling place to begin the new year! Let's hope 2013 is a little more gentle for us all. I am also hoping for a return to centered self. Good luck for this new year
thanks for sharing your experiences, always good to read stuff like this.
for me 2012 was... interesting, at least i got healthier, found new hobbies and a drive to create stuff, all i need to do this year is stop procastinating. i think 2013 if anything, is gona be a bumpy ride.
and im curious about thee mushrooms, do they put your though process in overdrive or simply put it in a higher priority?
Mushrooms (or any psychedelics) are really hard to describe... But I think "overdrive" might be a more accurate term. ...Mushrooms sort of remove your "brain filters".
Usually when you look at something, you generally only look at the "important" stuff, and your brain filters out the rest... Say you're in a room and there's a cup on the table right in front of you. You'll see the cup, but your brain will sort of "fuzz out" the rest of the things in the room (because your attention is on the cup). Your brain does this for your eyes, and your ears, your nose, and every other nerve in your body. It's the same idea when you get "used to" smells. The "important stuff" is what your attention notices. In my experience (with a moderate dose of psilocybin mushrooms) when the "filters" are removed... you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel A LOT more. Like the volume has been turned up on all your nerves. You take in more visual information which causes colors to appear brighter, depth perception appears to increase, details are in everything... Instead of seeing just the cup, you see the entire room and everything that's in the room. It's sort of like those weird HD photos [link] Your entire body just feels... It reminds me of that feeling when you wake up in bed and you feel super cozy and content. But those are just the effects on the senses...
Physical senses are a little "easier" to describe... Trying to describe how mushrooms affect your thoughts is a lot more difficult... Impossible really. A lot depends on your state of mind and your mood. Set and setting, as they say, is extremely important. If you go into the experience with an open mind the mushrooms will be "mind-expanding"--your perceptions of your world, your circumstances and your life are given new angles of perspective (and you may discover insight). If you go into the experience with fear and a closed mind (or you are being irresponsible in how you are using the substance) the trip may turn out poorly and you will wind up creating problems (anxieties) for yourself.
But it's important to remember that not everyone is the same (because not everyone has the same brain chemistry) and not all mushrooms are the same. Some have more of "body high", while others are very visual. I could hardly see anything during my most intense trip... Reality kept sort of folding away into these strange, moving, geometric shapes ("overloaded" rather than "overdrive")... it was disconcerting. The experiences are entirely unique... which is why it's so hard to describe. It's like trying to describe a dream--because it's something that happens entirely within your own mind, it's impossible to explain it accurately to someone else.
I encourage anyone who has even the slightest curiosity about psychedelics, to read and learn about them, as they are a fascinating subject. I researched mushrooms for at least a year before I tried them for the first time--which was in a safe place with someone I trusted (and had previous experiences with psychedelics).
feeling so much at the same time... must be realy overwhelming (and effing scary the first time) not something im realy eager to do anytime soon. the insigh part on the other hand sounds realy interesting... im guessing it takes a bit of trial and error to know what works "best" whit diferent people?
thanks for the advice, if i ever get the chance to do something like this, i`ll likely investigate and prepare a lot before even touching the stuff, better coward and safe than lacking a kidney lol
It is overwhelming, and it can start to get scary if you allow it to. The more you fight it, the more your anxiety will build... Just take a deep breath, remind yourself that you're only tripping and that you're fine and allow it all to happen. Allow your anxiety to pass through you, surrender yourself to the experience.
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